As the journey continues I am discovering that the biggest challenge is fighting my emotions; the fear of the unknown and the uncertainty of the future. I have always been a worrier and have fought my whole life against the fear of change, fear of the unknown, the fear of almost everything. Now the fear is of being totally handicapped, unable to walk and unable to be independent or even bathe myself. The change in my life happened too quickly. And since I’ve fallen 3 or 4 times in the last 8 months, that is one of the biggest fears. I can’t get out of bed without help and most days need help to get out of my chair to do a little walking across my kitchen. Fear of falling? What’s the big deal? It’s because I can’t pick myself up. Each time it happens I have to call 911 and have firemen pick me up off the floor.
The reason for this rant is I’m beginning to wonder if I need an anti-depressant. My emotions are swinging back and forth. Some days I am encouraged by my progress and other days I am incapacitated by my fears and even the fear of trying to do more. As with any exercise, the more you do, the next day or two you pay a price. With me, it is usually pain and extreme soreness and what I call being crippled up. I have a harder time doing what I did two days ago….getting up, standing, walking to the bathroom…the knees are wobbly and try to buckle on me. Then the fear increases to the point of being afraid once again to keep at the same level of exercise or to strive to increase so I become stronger. Fear tells me the more I do the worse I will make the knees and legs that are barely supporting me right now. And the fear of falling again tries to keep me from trying. It is a vicious circle. Add to the cycle that I tend to be a stress eater, and another weight is added to the circle.
I have been on anti-depressants in the past and really don’t like the idea of taking them. I learned over the years that a positive attitude, determination and a lot of prayer goes a long way towards stability and sanity. I also realize that there are different levels to depression and sometimes the scale is heavier on the side of the depression while leaving the positive thinking swinging in the rafters. (I also recognize that some clinical depression is caused by something in the way the brain works and has nothing to do with positive thinking or trying.) I’m starting to wonder if the fears are becoming too overwhelming and taking too much energy to fight leaving little energy to live and do what I need to do. Maybe I am needing a little help, something to help me push the fear away. It is something to think about…as the journey continues….