These past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I am not accustomed to having to deal with the many changes. Having been diagnosed with clinical depression when I was young, and going through a short period of medication and therapy, I’ve worked hard at gaining and retaining my emotional equilibrium. It has come about with a lot of determination, a lot of practice and a lot of spiritual growth attained through prayer. I realize a woman’s makeup includes emotions that are sometimes very close to the surface and at other times erupting in volcanic frenzy, but I never liked being that way.
Having to recognize and cope with my increasing handicap has been an unwelcome and eye-opening experience. I am still trying to discover what I am and am not capable of and what my limitations are. I am not able to look too far in the future without becoming overwhelmed and today seems to be one of those days. I have never handled change well and don’t like the feeling of trying to hang on to that slippery rope knowing I can’t help myself easily or the frustration of elusive solutions.
I realized today that I was stressing over an upcoming appointment I wasn’t emotionally ready for. A lot of it is fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing if I can physically handle the situation and the logistics of getting there and who knows what else. I tend to close off certain things even from myself and they sometimes come out in unexpected ways at inopportune times.
I had a slight set back last week. The therapy is going well but I am experiencing pain once again in the shoulder that I had dislocated. I also am coping with a little more trouble in getting up and in my short walks across the kitchen. My left knee keeps trying to buckle on me and that had improved and almost disappeared with the therapy. Having it return has caused its own stress of wondering/worrying if it is just fatigue from increased exercising or if it is continued deterioration in the knee that needs replaced. Another round of the continuous vicious circle I ride on every day.
I am in the process of trying to transfer medical records to a high risk orthopedic surgeon with a possible appointment looking into options for the knees. I keep praying that God continue to lead me in the right direction since I can’t see past this present moment and all ahead is dark and impossible.
Talking to my physical therapist this morning helped to make things more clear for me. She asked some questions. Is the appointment crucial right now? Is there a reason you have to go this week or is this something that can wait? I immediately called to reschedule the appointment for next month. I instantly felt like I had shoved an elephant off of my shoulders. I was so relieved to wait. Procrastination? Perhaps…but I was not emotionally ready yet for this new foray outside and into the unknown. I need the extra time to keep doing therapy, keep gaining strength and to emotionally gather myself in preparation of a new turn in the road ahead. And so the journey continues…