I’ve never been one to make New Years resolutions. I guess because everyone knows we won’t keep them for very long. Why advertise my inability to follow through? But, a new year with the opportunity of new beginnings brings about a lot of thinking. What have I accomplished in the past year? What have I accomplished in my life so far? Does it even matter?
I was told one time I wasn’t born to think, I was born to sing. That was a long time ago. But remembering the comment made me realize that thinking too much can bring about a lot of regrets. I had a best friend in high school I still remember. We haven’t talked in years and lost touch a long time ago because I was ‘crazy’ at the time. Spending some time in therapy as a clinically depressed person affects most of your life. My husband is a saint. I never knew why he picked me back in the 7th grade when we first met. He saw something in me he liked and he’s been here for the past 41 years despite my bad habits and my mood swings. Like I said, he’s a saint. I look at my children and marvel. My son is married and has 4 children. He is a prayerful man who feels family is important. I marvel how well he turned out despite having me for a mother. After all, he was a child during my ‘crazy’ years. My daughter joined the Army fresh out of high school and told us she had been abused from the age of 4 to about 13 when she felt strong enough to say “Leave me alone”! These two events amazed me. I was so proud of her for joining the Army and petrified at the same time. We rallied around her and worried and prayed for her emotional well-being as she went through therapy. The only flaws I see in her now is she is too trusting sometimes, loves animals too much and adopts too many. She is optimistically hopeful that she can meet her goals despite the difficulties of holding down three jobs and the economy that fights us at every turn.. She is amazing but could easily be a hoarder of recyclables. LOL.
I’ve decided to have a prayer I will say every night as I lose sleep during my frequent potty breaks. I will ask for help in making better choices. That applies to my eating habits as well as to anything else in life. I need to pray more. I need to stay close to God and not forget He is what keeps me sane and gets me through each day. It’s okay to blog, to play video games, to watch tv, but those things don’t need to define my life. There are many things that could turn into regrets if I let them. I’d like to sing in the choir at church again. That would mean I would need to find time to vocalize and regain my voice. I quit singing when my younger sister died about 12 years ago. That wasn’t the only reason. I was trying to finish my masters degree while still working and I got burned out and overloaded while dealing with grief. I would like to walk again. I can walk a few steps with difficulty using my walker. I have bone spurs in my knees which prevent me from straightening my legs out, so I walk with bent knees at a crouch, which really throws off your center of balance. Add to that the fact I need two knee replacements. 62 years of obesity of varying degrees and lymphedema keep me from having the surgery now. I need to lose about 100 lbs. The only thing is…the brief time I weighed between 175 and 200, which for me was THIN, I still had large legs and thighs and knees…so I’ll never have thin knees just to satisfy the surgeon.
Okay…this post has gotten long enough. I tend to get bored when I’m reading a long post so I’ll quit now. Just be aware, that the new year brings about reflection even if I never make a resolution. Here’s to inner discovery.