Living with fear

I’ve always been afraid. My mother was always a worrier, so I suppose I picked up the habit from her. As a little girl, I was afraid of the dark. I just knew there were boogeymen hiding in the darkness. As I grew older, my fears also grew. I was afraid of not having enough to eat. I was afraid of not fitting in; afraid to try new things; afraid to bring attention to myself; afraid of riducule. Later, there was fear of change, or of new things; fear of not being in control.  I was insecure, so I kept sucking my thumb for security until I was 12 years old. After that, I turned to eating, and that became my security and my comfort. I ate when I was sad or upset; I ate when I was anxious and I ate when I was afraid or lonely.

Later in life, when I recognized that food had become a god to me–giving me a semblance of comfort and of security–I was horrified. I had searched for God as a young teen, and then left Him by the wayside after I got married and life intruded. Searching for His presence in my life again was what I knew I needed to help myself. It has been 20 years since I began this stronger, seeking relationship with the Triune God, and it has been my salvation.  Developing and depending upon fellowship, prayer and thanksgiving has given me a peace and strength unknown before. Relying on Him has kept me sane.

Don’t misunderstand…lifetime habits still creep into my life. I still fear change. I can freak out just having to go to a new doctor in a new place not knowing what to expect. Fear of the unknown can be quite debilitating, taking over every facet of my life if I let it. Sometimes the fear can overwhelm me before I even know what is happening. I notice when I begin drawing into myself for emotional protection. I’ll read more, filling my time and my mind with innoucuous entertainment. I’ll stick close to home and become a hermit again. I’ll dread going to work and being around people, even though I enjoy my job.

Even though those instincts are still there, and I sometimes have to fight my battles on a weekly basis, I have embraced prayer and depend on Jesus for my help and my strength. I never want to become who I was when I tried coping with life without His help. I relish knowing I can talk to Him and that He really listens to what I say! I depend on Him for the strength and grace to live each day. He has become more to me than just a name in a book. He has become closer to me than anyone else. I am blessed. He has become everything to me.

About estherlou

My husband and I married in 1970. I am the mother of 2 and grandmother to 5. I share my health stories and my experiences with Thrive. I am reading and writing blogs, watching tv, making jewelry and rosaries, selling in my Etsy store and playing solitaire. I am home bound and add in my physical therapy exercises to my daily routine. I will blog about my progress or anything that catches my attention at that moment. See you around and thanks for stopping by!
This entry was posted in thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Living with fear

  1. stephen says:

    I think Triune is a bad word choice. very uncommon and new age sounding. might even scare someone!!!!
    Love you


  2. estherlou says:

    I should have been more specific. I sometimes forget not everyone grew up under the same cultural and faith environment that I did. Triune..three in one…the Godhead. God the Father, God the Son, Jesus Christ, and God the Holy Spirit.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s