I’ve always been afraid. My mother was always a worrier, so I suppose I picked up the habit from her. As a little girl, I was afraid of the dark. I just knew there were boogeymen hiding in the darkness. As I grew older, my fears also grew. I was afraid of not having enough to eat. I was afraid of not fitting in; afraid to try new things; afraid to bring attention to myself; afraid of riducule. Later, there was fear of change, or of new things; fear of not being in control. I was insecure, so I kept sucking my thumb for security until I was 12 years old. After that, I turned to eating, and that became my security and my comfort. I ate when I was sad or upset; I ate when I was anxious and I ate when I was afraid or lonely.
Later in life, when I recognized that food had become a god to me–giving me a semblance of comfort and of security–I was horrified. I had searched for God as a young teen, and then left Him by the wayside after I got married and life intruded. Searching for His presence in my life again was what I knew I needed to help myself. It has been 20 years since I began this stronger, seeking relationship with the Triune God, and it has been my salvation. Developing and depending upon fellowship, prayer and thanksgiving has given me a peace and strength unknown before. Relying on Him has kept me sane.
Don’t misunderstand…lifetime habits still creep into my life. I still fear change. I can freak out just having to go to a new doctor in a new place not knowing what to expect. Fear of the unknown can be quite debilitating, taking over every facet of my life if I let it. Sometimes the fear can overwhelm me before I even know what is happening. I notice when I begin drawing into myself for emotional protection. I’ll read more, filling my time and my mind with innoucuous entertainment. I’ll stick close to home and become a hermit again. I’ll dread going to work and being around people, even though I enjoy my job.
Even though those instincts are still there, and I sometimes have to fight my battles on a weekly basis, I have embraced prayer and depend on Jesus for my help and my strength. I never want to become who I was when I tried coping with life without His help. I relish knowing I can talk to Him and that He really listens to what I say! I depend on Him for the strength and grace to live each day. He has become more to me than just a name in a book. He has become closer to me than anyone else. I am blessed. He has become everything to me.